I know I haven’t posted in a while, and I’m going to warn you now that if lengthy, emotional postings aren’t your cup of tea you may want to stop reading here.
The changes in the seasons really get to me. The lack of sunshine and the onset of 40 degree temps does not mesh well with my anxiety disorder and depression. Over the summer my fitness game was on point, my husband left me alone for military training for 6 weeks and I was determined to look my best when he got home and for our belated honeymoon to Las Vegas. I returned home from beautiful 90 degree days in Sin City to rain and windstorms in Portland. It hit me like a god damn ton of bricks.
I’ve scarcely been able to summon the energy to get myself out of bed in the morning let alone get into the gym. I know it’s no excuse, but unless you struggle with some kind of mental illness it’s something that’s nearly impossible to understand. That being said, I made it into the gym today for the first time in about 6 weeks and it only renewed all the self doubt I’ve been struggling with recently. My self confidence has been slowly disintegrating and a slew of other problems have arisen because of that.
I stepped on the scale and it read 127. Which is just 8 pounds shy of me at my lowest point in life (that’s a story for another time). I know that doesn’t sound like a bad number, but I’m 5 foot nothin’ and really petite so even a 5 pound gain can show on me. I can tell you right now I absolutely refuse to be back where I was 5 years ago. I was incredibly unhappy, eating fast food nearly every day, and carried more stress on my shoulders than any one person should. So even though stepping on that scale this morning caused an awful churning in my stomach, it created a new sense of determination in me.
I will try harder. I will do better. I will not go back to being the old me. The only way to get where I want to be is to work for it. It may seem impossible some days but I’ll only come out stronger in the end.